Starting secondary school with autism: a guide for parents (2026)
The transition from primary to secondary school is one of the most significant challenges many autistic children face. A new building, multiple teachers, a complex
For decades, autism was considered a condition that primarily affected boys. The diagnostic criteria were developed largely based on research into male presentation. The result is a generation — and more — of autistic girls and women who were missed entirely, misdiagnosed with anxiety or personality disorders, or told they could not possibly be autistic because they were ‘too social’ or ‘doing well at school’.
This is changing. But it is changing slowly — and in the meantime, thousands of girls are still waiting years for a diagnosis that transforms their understanding of themselves and their access to support.
The core reason is that autistic girls frequently present differently from autistic boys — and the ‘classic’ picture of autism that most people, including many clinicians, have in their heads is a boy.
Girls are generally socialised from a very young age to watch others carefully, mirror behaviour, and fit in. Autistic girls often become extraordinarily skilled at masking — suppressing their autistic traits in public and social situations in order to appear neurotypical.
A girl who is desperately confused by social situations but has learned to copy the behaviour of others around her may appear perfectly sociable in school. Her teacher sees a child who is managing. What the teacher does not see is the two hours of meltdown at home every evening as the mask comes off, or the crushing exhaustion of performing neurotypicality all day.
The ‘special interests’ associated with autism in boys are often stereotypically obvious — trains, maths, specific factual topics. In girls, special interests are more likely to fall into socially acceptable areas: animals, books, specific TV shows, celebrities, or social dynamics themselves. An obsessive interest in horses or a particular book series looks unremarkable in a girl. It rarely triggers a referral.
Autistic boys are more likely to be visibly isolated — sitting alone, not joining in. Autistic girls are more likely to have a small number of intense friendships, or to attach themselves to one person who ‘manages’ social situations for them. From the outside, this looks like normal female friendship. The difficulty — the social confusion, the anxiety, the inability to intuitively understand unspoken social rules — is invisible.
Despite growing awareness, many GPs, paediatricians, and CAMHS clinicians still hold outdated mental models of what autism looks like. An autistic girl who makes eye contact, speaks well, and is polite in a clinical setting may be told she does not ‘seem autistic’ — even when her parent describes a child who cannot cope with any change to routine, struggles profoundly with friendships, and becomes completely dysregulated at home.
Every autistic girl is different. But there are patterns that parents and clinicians familiar with female autism presentation commonly describe:
The ‘homework effect’: many autistic girls hold everything together at school through sheer effort and then completely fall apart at home. If your daughter is described as fine at school but you are experiencing a very different child at home — that contrast itself is diagnostic information. It is the cost of masking.
Because the autistic presentation in girls is so easily misread, many girls receive other diagnoses before — or instead of — an autism diagnosis:
If your daughter has received one of these diagnoses and you feel it does not fully explain what you are seeing, an autism assessment is worth pursuing. These conditions can co-occur with autism — but they can also mask it.
For girls who reach adolescence or adulthood without a diagnosis, the consequences can be severe:
Many women who receive a late autism diagnosis describe it as both a relief and a grief — relief at finally understanding themselves, and grief for the years spent struggling without support or understanding.
If you suspect your daughter may be autistic, the process for getting an assessment is the same as for any child — but there are a few things worth knowing:
This is important. Not all assessors have up-to-date training in how autism presents in girls. When asking questions before booking, specifically ask: do you have experience assessing autistic girls, including those who mask? Do you use the ADOS-2? Are your assessment tools calibrated for female presentation?
If your daughter masks at school, a school report alone will not capture her difficulties. Bring your own written account of what you observe at home — the meltdowns, the rigidity, the sensory sensitivities, the exhaustion. This information is essential for a complete picture.
NHS waiting times for girls are the same as for boys — three to five years in most areas. Given how long girls are often already waiting before anyone takes their difficulties seriously, a private assessment can mean years of difference in accessing support.
Once a diagnosis is in place, the next steps are similar to those for any autistic child — EHCP, DLA, school support plans. But there are also resources and communities specifically focused on autistic girls and women:
At what age is autism typically identified in girls?
On average, autistic girls are diagnosed significantly later than autistic boys — often in adolescence or adulthood rather than in primary school. Some research suggests the average age of diagnosis for autistic women is in their mid-thirties. Earlier identification is possible with the right assessment, which is why acting on your instincts matters.
My daughter’s teacher says she is fine at school. Should I still pursue an assessment?
Yes, if your own observations at home tell a different story. Teachers see children in a structured environment where a masking child may appear to cope. The difficulties often only become visible at home. Describe what you observe at home in detail when you seek a referral — this information is just as diagnostically relevant as school observations.
Can a girl be autistic and have friends?
Absolutely. Having friends does not rule out autism. Autistic girls often have friendships — but the quality of those friendships is different. They may be intense and one-sided, follow scripts or revolve around shared interests, or be exhausting to maintain. The presence of friendships is not a reason to dismiss autism as a possibility.
My daughter is 16 — is it too late to get a diagnosis?
It is never too late. A diagnosis at 16 can still change everything — access to EHCP support through to age 25, PIP, Access to Work, and university disability support. Many women receive their first autism diagnosis in adulthood and find it profoundly helpful in understanding their life and accessing the support they need.
What is autism burnout and how do I recognise it?
Autism burnout is a prolonged state of physical and mental exhaustion, often accompanied by withdrawal, loss of skills, and a reduced ability to cope with daily life. It is most commonly seen in autistic girls and women who have been masking intensively for a long period. It is not the same as depression, though it can look similar. Recovery typically requires significant reduction in demands and social expectations.
Written by AI Mum editorial team
Find an assessor near you
Free guide + vetted assessors in your area. No obligation.
No spam. Your details shared only with vetted providers.
Related guides
The transition from primary to secondary school is one of the most significant challenges many autistic children face. A new building, multiple teachers, a complex
If you are based in Nottingham and looking for a private autism assessment for your child or yourself, this guide covers everything you need: what
If you are based in Sheffield and looking for a private autism assessment for your child or yourself, this guide covers everything you need: what